The Importance of Self-Discovery
Almost every hard, pivotal, life changing lesson I’ve learned has led me back to self-discovery. I will always think of it as the gift that keeps on giving.
Often, we aren’t curious about self when life is going well because we’ve been convinced the results we’re working towards are the main thing. We’re so focused on chasing the things we need to fit into society that it’s often only when chaos and loss come in, that we stop to explore who we are without those markers of success.
I’ve found three triggers typically lead us to learning more about ourselves.
Heartbreak
When the hope we have for the outcome of a romantic partnership is destroyed, especially if there was some form of betrayal or violation, it causes us to take a good look inside.
I once had a breakup with someone who was cheating internationally (great effort on his part) and there was gaslighting involved in the process even when I suspected something was wrong. I stayed much longer than I should have. Looking back I can see that I didn’t have a full grasp on who I was. I really had to go on a journey and discover what within me was willing to buckle up for the crazy ride with this guy – not in a way that is victim blaming, but simply exploring my reasons for ignoring my intuition. The abandonment and violation caused me to look inwards as heartbreak often does.
Grief
Losing my mum served as a huge trigger in discovering more about myself. At the age of 21, there was so much of life and my beliefs at that age that were basically on autopilot. I remember praying to God not to let it be my story of being the girl who was 21 and had lost a parent. Much of my understanding around identity was closely linked to what happens to you, even though admittedly it was also simply a tragedy I didn’t want. I had already allowed so much of my life to be defined by what went wrong from abuse, to abandonment, that I couldn’t fathom adding this to the plate too.
After her passing I questioned so much about my faith, like what did I really believe? Why did I believe it? What did that look like now that things didn’t pan out the way I wanted them to? What kind of life did I want to live? What kind of faith would I have? It was like a jolt of electricity that woke me up and flung me to a side of the room where a thousand questions about self existed.
My journey with self-discovery has been heavily spurred on by my experience with grief, even as an ongoing thing.
Endings and Pivoting
This always ends up forcing me to look in the mirror and really ask the hard questions about what I want. Because often without those, it’s evident that we are living a life on autopilot.
And when that thing within you rises up and waves a flag of unhappiness- you either have the choice to ignore it and keep on living out the script you’ve been given…or have the hard conversations with yourself. It’s often hard because it isn’t the way people romanticise it online. Being brave and choosing to dance to the beat of your own drum or follow an inkling you have is difficult.
It was exactly that way when I stopped making wedding cakes. I felt like I was in a binding contract with people I didn’t even know! “What will they do if I stop making cakes? They’ll think I’m a failure or that I can’t commit. What will they know me for?”
I’m aware that part of that was fuelled by the aspect of social media where all of your life becomes a performance. You feel bound to spectators that you don’t even really know!
But the other part of that was layered. Over time I came to understand that my framework for careers was rooted in what I saw growing up in Nigeria and within a Nigerian community once we immigrated. You pick one career and stick to it! I was so desperate to follow the template that I couldn’t fathom being a multi hyphenate. Or exploring all the different things that I enjoyed.
Even advice from my nearest and dearest reflected this ideology of finding one thing and sticking to it so I didn’t seem wishy-washy… and the only eventual freedom I found was in digging deep to discover more about who I was. From personality type tests to asking people to share their stories with me or even exploring some online. That all helped me gain more confidence in my path not looking like everyone else’s around me. I eventually accepted that wrestling with my nature was no way to live a fulfilled life.
I do feel like popular culture does us a disservice by prioritising every other relationship than the one with self. From family to romantic partners. And that isn’t to say those relationships don’t matter because as I mention in the journal, they often uncover so much more about us than we anticipate when we approach with curiosity about ourselves in those settings. But it’s simply me highlighting that the healthiest form of those relationships often requires the foundational work of self discovery that then leads to self awareness and in turn self acceptance.
I really want us to invest in discovering who we are beyond the layers of who we’ve been told to be or beyond the layers of societal expectations that have been put on us. Much of my conversations and content online has been around that and now there’s a tool I’ve created that can help as part of that journey.
And you know what? Creating this has even aided in my self discovery as well! Every-time I’m creating something, I learn so much more about myself than what I bargained for. I get insights into my thoughts around failure and fulfilment. Or around rejection. Or what I think I’m defined by. When you decide to try something new or embark on a new path it almost brings you out of autopilot again and it’s a great opportunity to seize when it comes to self discovery.
I also feel like an important question that I had to ask myself lately is have I made peace with where I am now and the version of myself that I am, right now. It’s easy to resent where you are, perhaps as a result of the things you’ve been through all the frustration that builds up when you have the long-term version of yourself in your mind I. But it is hard to get the most out of where you are, and the season you’re in, if you are constantly wrestling with it. You are in a position to receive everything you need from that space because you are in fight mode.
The question I often ask myself is, am I allowing myself the opportunity to unlearn and learn based on how lost I feel as a starting position (again), or are my fists clenched up and ready to fight? Am I fists clenched up and ready to throw a punch in defence when that subject is broached? Sometimes we’re just in fight mode because we’re not happy with where we’re at.
The truth is, the version of yourself that you are right now is contributing in some way, if you let it, to the ideal version of yourself that you would like to be. Stop wrestling with it.
I hope you remain constantly curious about who you are and who you are evolving into. I hope self-discovery remains the gift that keeps on giving to you.
Love,
Marbie